Kiddie Rehab

My whole life up until now I’ve managed to avoid sugary “kids” cereals. Then this unfortunate chain of events happened… 

During a date night last week, I said something about crispy cookies or “cookie crisp.”

Upon which immediately, my boyfriend’s face took on an unusual glassy-eyed yet joyous expression. His body was still with me (sort of), but his mind had clearly left the room. Turns out it had wandered back to an era filled with pajamas, Saturday morning cartoons, and bowls of sugar disguised as cereal. He reminisced fondly and touted to me how unbelievably delicious the cereal, Cookie Crisp, is. 

My face crinkled and I said, “Eh, I wouldn’t like it. I don’t like things like Chips Ahoy, and isn’t it basically mini fake cookies? It’s so icky sweet, I’ll bet you wouldn’t even like it anymore. For sure it contains high fructose corn syrup.” 

The words high fructose corn syrup must’ve triggered a chemical memory because at that point, it was all over. Our chances of getting home without a stop at the grocery store were nil. My protests to being an accessory to Operation Cookie Crisp went unheard, and in fact, I was the one sent in to do the dirty deed while he waited in the car and listened to music. 

Am I a sucker or what? 

So I go inside the store, look up and down the cereal aisle, and Cookie Crisp is nowhere to be found. An employee sees me scouring the shelves (looking way too cute to be in the cereal aisle on a Saturday night, if I do say so myself) and offers to help. He confirms there is no Cookie Crisp in the store.

Hallelujah, we’re saved!

I call him and break the bad news. His voice is goes flat. He’s deflated. I think to myself, “poor guy, but what doesn’t kill him (aka: the crap cereal) will make him stronger (aka: he can have one of the organic dark chocolate peanut butter cups I’m going to buy while I’m here). Then he asks me what else they have. 

Turns out they have Cinnamon Toast Crunch. 

What is Cinnamon Toast Crunch, you ask? 

It’s heaven. Pure heaven. Sugary, crap that will kill you and make you so addicted to it that you don’t care that it will kill you, crap. 

He’s eaten maybe 4 spoonfuls of it. And the box is almost empty now, so you do the math. 

And it has to (it absolutely must!) be eaten with real dairy milk. Almond milk wouldn’t do it justice. You need (NEED!) to have the cereal milk taste just right (aka: so wrong!) when you’re done with the adorable little “toasts,” as that’s perhaps the best part of the whole experience. I’ve even wondered (in my lowest moments, obviously) if someone has thought to sell the cereal milk, like in a milk carton, on its own. I mean, HOW GOOD WOULD THAT BE? 

I clearly need help. And at the bottom of this box (which could happen at any minute), I’m going to need kids cereal rehab.

(Do you think it’ll be like kindergarten where all the chairs are tiny-sized so then on top of the humiliation of being the only grown up in kiddie rehab, my ass will also not fit the chair?)

And it goes without mentioning (but I will anyway) that I think parents who let their kids eat these cereals (mmm…yummy) are basically abusing their children, because seriously, if a full grown adult (cough cough, me) who knows better can get sucked down this rabbit hole, what chance to do they have? 


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