I was bored or curious enough to watch the first episode of ‘The Bachelor.’
Twenty-five tipsy Misses in pageant dresses, with coifs that convinced me aerosol hairspray hasn’t gone out of style, and cleavage that left Victoria no secrets. One came tumbling into The Bachelor (literally), one held her arms out like wings and flew to him (he’s a pilot), and one fell walking up a step and ripped her dress. Lines like, “I want to hug him and then tear his clothes off,” “I think I’m in love with him already,” and “I’m ready for my engagement ring now” spilled from high-glossed lips mere seconds after meeting him. One woman enthusiastically applauded something he said (just as one would do when encouraging a puppy to pee outdoors), one told him in Cambodian that he can land his plane on her landing strip anytime, and one kept referring to herself as his “Future Wife.” And after an impromptu blondes vs. brunettes football game (in the pageant dresses), the girls shrieked and chased him into the house.
One girl changed into a flight attendant costume to get his attention. One girl brought bags of jellybeans, which she sarcastically tossed onto the laps of her adversaries, stating it was their parting gift on their way out. When questioned as to why she was handing them out now, prior to anyone being sent home, she said it was because she knew they would be goners. The girl who asked the question threw her jellybeans back into the basket. I liked her chutzpah.
And as if that wasn’t enough drama for the first episode, this one particularly emotional girl burst into tears. She kept repeating, “I’m here for one reason. I’m here to marry Jake,” and to him, “I’m ready to fall in love with you. I want to be your co-pilot. I know it’s only the first night, but I don’t count the days… If you feel it, you feel it.” It had been one hour. Perhaps she ought to count the hours?
As I predicted, she got a rose. As did the jellybean pusher, and the other most abrasive and annoying characters. And the worst part is that I made the mistake of watching the highlights of the rest of the season. There is so much insanity and drama to come! And shocker of shockers – something is going to happen this season that… has… never… happened… in… Bachelor… history. I am ashamed to admit it, but I can’t wait to watch more!