10 Things I Hate About You

1. Fox “News.” It’s self-explanatory.

2. Snuggie’s. My hatred is growing by the day. Did you know there is now Snuggie for Dogs?!

3. Any store with “Mart” in its name. Call me a snob, I don’t care.

4. Bush and Palin. Yes, still. This is a deep-seeded hatred that will never die (the flame may dim, but it will never burn out.)

5. Douche bags like the guys we ran into in Brooklyn on Saturday night who took a picture of my friend without asking her, and remarked,  “Halloween is just an excuse for cute girls to dress slutty.” (Note: My friend was not dressed slutty at all – she was wearing a sweater for pete’s sake!)

6. Using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty. Like countless lingerie-clad women I see every year, and diaper-wearing men I saw way two too many of this year. Seriously, people, get over yourselves. (Sidenote: Did you ever hear the Dave Chappelle joke about dressing in a whore’s uniform? Ha!)

7. Candy corn. Which, I will admit, I haven’t tried in years, but I used to hate it, and still maintain I would likely die of starvation before ingesting a piece of candy corn. (Note: On the same night, I also told my friend that if she died and we were stranded on a mountain, I would eat her. I pointed out that she wouldn’t be upset, because, well, she’d be dead, and also she’d want me to live.)

8. The price of designer coffee. Which boggles my mind, hasn’t dropped due to recession. Every store I walk by has either a mega sale going on (if they’re even still in business), and a cup of coffee with some foamy milk and a squirt of syrup still costs upwards of $5.

9. Caffeine. (this is a love-hate matter.) I’ve been having these headaches lately, and the only thing that has managed to make it temporarily better is caffeine. It’s a vicious cycle. There should be a warning label on caffeinated beverages – The withdrawl is a bitch! (And see #8 – it’s too expensive a habit!)

10. People who inflict themselves upon me. Like the guy on the subway whose  elbow found a cozy resting spot IN MY RIBS. And the police officer woman who used a barricade to shove me back into the Halloween crowd. In the pouring rain. And caused me to shout, “POLICE BRUTALITY!” (I hate having to do that.) And the man who kept talking to me (and everyone else) on the bus today. He practically sat on the man in the seat next to him when he sat down, he harassed a nice teenage boy wearing a Yankees cap, telling him he should be a Red Sox fan, and he felt it necessary to comment to me, when I pulled out my cell phone to check a text, “OH, I was worried you didn’t have one of those!”

I’m a person who maybe shouldn’t leave my house as much as I do. And if I am ever imprisoned, I suspect I’d fare better-than-average in solitarty confinement.

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